I like to tell everyone that I want to die in my thirties. Like, say, 33 (if it's good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!*).
And most people react the same way you are right now. I know, it's shocking. Which is partly why I do it.
There are other reasons as well. If I'm being completely honest, the whole getting older thing scares me silly. It's like a slow, downhill decay from 30. I'm already tired. And I've heard that it's only going to get worse. Please realise this is my inexperienced, newly-turned-28-year-old self talking right now, but to me, getting older is like death. A long, drawn out death. And who wants that? Rather go out quickly, with a bang!
And, from my limited experience, people who leave this world before their 'expected' time always have so many tears and wonderful things said about them at their funeral!
Okay, okay. Before you get too worried and start to call the men-in-white, let me tell you that I have been convicted by God about my negative attitude to life here on earth. As much as I long for the completion of God's plans, the new heaven and new earth, days with no more tears, sadness, death, the pure joy of living always in God's presence, seeing Him face to face, being whole and perfect, like Jesus...need I go on?!...my eyes have been opened to all His goodness right here, right now on this earth. The stunning world of His creation that I get to live in, the wonders of His created people and the good they can do, and the comfort and power of His Spirit in me. There is so much to experience and enjoy as part of His 'abundant life' (John 10:10).
And yet, I still wouldn't mind leaving in a handful of years' time! Let me try to explain why with something that happened last week.
The very first person to hire me as a tutor at the beginning of the year has 'fired' me, because they have lost their job. I was sad to hear the news, but it didn't get to me until my actual last session with their son.
Tutoring (and teaching!) is an interesting line of work. You may be expected to work on academic subjects with children, but once you're there at the table in their house, working through their set homework or questions, it's only natural that you start to get to know the children and talk about other things too. They start to tell you about their days, their triumphs and challenges. And you can maybe speak into their lives and help them grow in other ways than just solving maths equations, reading and writing.
So as I was saying goodbye to this 11-year-old boy, I found tears begin to well up and I started realising I wasn't going to have the opportunity to be there for him like I had been. I woke up to the fact that I had been a presence not only in his life, but also his family's life. A family that so desperately needs to know the love of their Father and Saviour.
Now, I had been aware of this before, but in the sense that I thought to myself, 'I'm only the tutor, what can I do?' But why the 'only'? Being the tutor, I was able to be in their home, get to know the family, and be a tiny part of their daily lives. It was a huge opportunity to carry God's love and light into the darkness. And I hope I tried, but I'm pretty sure I didn't make the most of every opportunity. And it was only as that door closed that it brought this all into focus. How precious every moment and opportunity is, because it's the only time they will happen.
You've probably figured out where I'm going with this. It's that moral of the story we all know: how you only start to appreciate something once it's gone. Well, that's why I want to keep my focus on living life, catching every moment and living the potential out of every second that I have here on earth.
But it's so easy to lose sight of this goal. It's like my mind naturally relaxes when I think about the expected decades that I'll be around to do this. So if I miss an opportunity, big deal. There'll be more coming. There's always tomorrow. But no! I want to fight against this apathy and lukewarm-ness.
And that's why I tell myself and everyone else I'm going to die soon.
Still think I'm crazy?!
*And that's not arrogant at all!
